Pragmatics Of Human Communication
conflict blueprint
You live in the listening of your partner… not what they say, but what you think they have said.
why learn how to communicate?
In human experience there is nothing more important than the experience of a romantic relationship. Research shows that for human beings the experience of love revolutionalizes every aspect of one’s life. Human beings inherit a way to communicate… people speak in an habitual way.
The inherited model of communication is limited, ineffective, and it is the blue print for conflict.
Most of our conversations are about convincing our partner to have our point of view, because that is how we feel right and good about who we are: if you get your partner to agree with you then you feel they understand you and you feel connected-this is an illusion
masters and disasters in human communication
Protecting ourselves
Controlling
Avoiding-pieces of information which exposes the whole truth
De-feuding… “ YES BUT…”
Forcing an outcome
Manipulating
With-holding
Resisting
Convincing
Changing
The way we communicate is all automatic. Human beings have 3 gears… We describe our take of what happened (our Story)
We describe our take of what happened (our Story)
We express our emotions(how we feel about what happened)
We command (persuade ,convince our partner to have our point of view)
ground rules for powerful conflict resolution through communication
Integrity… your actions have to reflect what you say
Share… what it is like for you without blaming them” when you don’t hold my hand I feel worthless in your life”
Responsibility… Take responsibility for how you affect your partner. Human beings first reaction is to judge or evaluate what has been said rather than understand it… understanding what it has been like for them.
Re-create… in your own words what they said – “ you must feel rejected when I don’t have sex with you”
Generosity… give something up- your point of view especially when it is hard to do so- the truth is that your point of view is just a point of view and that it is as good as your partners. We believe that other people have a point of view , but YOU have immaculate perception.
untap the power of listening
Postpone persuasion
Don’t argue your point of view
State each others position/feelings/needs
Make conflict safe for both people-thus don’t assassinate each others character –ie. -by calling each other names ” you are so stupid, stubborn ,and controlling”
Validate what you understand the feelings of your partner are: “ it seems logical to me that you have those needs if you feel not appreciated”
Listen and ask questions “ what is the meaning of this situation to you?” “what would it mean if gifts were given to you?’
Talk about issues not to solve it but to understand it.
Don’t focus on what has not happened right BUT how you feel about what you want.
When you speak move from my partner is the problem-to what I feel and what I need.
Look for your contribution to the fight- not to be self-critical but look for your behavior.
Tell your partner one way that s/he can make it better next time.
What is one way you can make it better next time – tell your partner your intentions.
Concentrate on: I feel… about what… I need…
ie: I feel rejected when you are not willing to make love to me and I need you to agree to be intimate with me 2 times a week.