How Women differ to Men
How women differ to men… women feel fear, men feel shame
We are entering an era when both men and women can obtain an appreciation to their distinct biology and how it affects their relationships with one another. If we understand how our biological brain is guided by our impulses we can then choose how to act or how not to act, rather than merely following our compulsions.
Neuropsychiatrists like Dr. Brinzendine have been able to accumulate scientific research for understanding how human biology makes men and women behave differently.
There are deep differences, at the level of every cell, between the male and the female brain. Science and medicine have addressed the brain structures and hormonal biology that create a uniquely female reality at every stage of life. Consequently, the distinct male structures and hormonal biology in men, also produce a uniquely male reality.
Neuroscience tells us that the male brain is a lean, mean problem solving machine. However at every stage of a male’s life the brain makes men behave differently.
There is the seek-and pursue baby boy brain
The must move or I will die toddler brain
The sleep-deprived, bored, risk taking teen brain
The passionate, sexual mating brain
The proud and besotted with his offspring daddy brain
The obsessed with money, hierarchy and power aggressive brain
The fix it fast emotional brain.
Advances in genetics, electrophysiology and brain mapping technology present research findings that indicate to a catalog of genetic, structural, chemical, hormonal, and brain processing differences between men and women.
Succinctly put, the influences of male and female hormones on the brain impact the way a woman behaves differently to a man. We have understood that men use very different circuits to process spatial information and solve emotional problems. Thus a female hears, sees, smells, intuits and gauges reality differently to how a male does.
In the female brain the main hormones estrogen, progesterone and oxytocin predispose a woman to nurture and feel predominantly fearful of pain and deprivation. Baby girls from day one are more sensitive to isolation and lack of contact. This sensitivity is a primitive instinct that evolved as an important survival skill designed to keep females in close proximity and contact not only to her offspring but also with others in the group who would offer her protection. 2000 years ago the only hope for survival against predators was to help one another ward off the enemy. A woman and her child left alone was pure prey. So over the millennia, females developed a GPS that keeps them sensitive to closeness and distance in all their relationships. When a woman feels close, especially to her partner, she can relax. When she feels distant she gets anxious and feels discomfort and is instinctively attracted to whom ever else she receives attention and acknowledgment from.
In the male brain, testosterone, cortisol, vasopressin and MIS (Mullerian Inhibiting Substance) have the most enduring effects on males. The combination of these hormones make males very sensitive to arousal or abrupt stimulation. Again men are wired this way since the primary predators of early humans stalked and attacked stealthily… thus males needed to respond with fight-or flight behaviuor in a fraction of a second. However this high sensitivity to arousal causes males a great deal of discomfort . Thus they avoid it by first trying to flee (walk away) or if they still cannot avoid the confrontation they will fight aggressively.
When it comes to relationships, women often misinterpret this walking away for lack of interest or even loss of love. Most of the time, he has not lost interest… he is trying to avoid fighting (arousal or over stimulation) as it will cause him the discomfort that comes from the secretion of cortisol when a man is aroused negatively (confronted).
Cortisol is a hormone secreted during negative emotions. It has the function to make a person uncomfortable so that a person reacts to make a situation better. The pain a woman feels when her partner is shouting at her or defending his hurtful behavior toward her is caused by a sudden release of cortisol. Her response will be to make him understand how she feels so to feel connected and close to him. His response will be to avoid talking about it by looking away or walking away.
so how does the male propensity to walk away translate to SHAME?
Research points out that if you are playing with an infant, and engaging in eye contact by suddenly breaking that eye contact will cause the physical displays of shame in that child. We also know that babies have to be interested in something or feel enjoyment to experience shame when it stops abruptly. This abrupt drop in interest is called REJECTION.
Simply put… when a woman speaks to her partner with the intention to feel close and understood, she is trying valiantly, if misguidedly, to achieve connection and allay her fear of isolation. She feels rejected by him because he will walk away. On the other hand he feels confronted by her unhappiness or criticism making him feel ashamed by her withdrawl of love.
Because emotional bonds serve as a woman’s primary source of comfort, it appalls her when her partner tries to cope with stress in ways that seem to threaten emotional bonds (distractions like work, TV, computer, acquiring expensive toys, gym) because when a man emotionally shuts down he feels nothing, especially the shame that he interprets to be that if his partner is unhappy he is inadequate. If the man is forced to talk about the problem he is trying to prove that he is right, which reduces his experience of shame… he is trying to win a fight, not make connection.
Intimacy is riskier for men when they have consistently felt shame in conjunction with it… (if I like it too much they will take it away because I don’t do it right). From the very beginning, many little boys don’t feel like they can measure up in close relationships. Little girls can hold eye contact, little boys get overwhelmed by the over stimulation and they look away, making the person close to the male child disengage from him. Thus for the average male , relationships are not a reliable source of comfort. A man’s greatest pain comes from shame, due to the inadequacy he feels in relationships, therefore talking about the relationship , which is guaranteed to remind him of his inadequacy, is the last resort he would use to receive comfort.
the mating brain
Studies are indicating that when a man wants to feel close to a woman for the need of comfort and connection, he looks to sexual intimacy with her.
The predominant difference is that men have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drives. Sexual thoughts are always in the background of a man’s visual cortex. For most males, love and lust need to be in sync to be able to fall in love deeply. Research indicates that for most men falling out of lust with a woman also means falling out of love with her.
Men are also misunderstood by women and oftentimes labeled as controlling or too jealous. The fact is that men have a larger brain center for muscular action and aggression. The brain circuits in males needs to protect his mate. His territorial defenses are hormonally primed for pecking order and hierarchy. Moreover, when men deal with a loved one’s emotional distress, their brain area for problem solving and needing to fix the problem immediately sparks. Oftentimes women believe that the man is telling them what to do without actually understanding their source of pain.
While humans and animals have differences in their mating strategies, scientists have observed some curious similarities. One of the most amazing examples of animal tactics is provided by the side-blotched lizard… Uta Stansburiana. This male lizard comes with three different coloured throats that match their mating style. The orange throat males use the harem strategy… they tend to guard a group of females and mate with all of them. The males with a yellow throat are called the sneakers because they slip into the harem of the orange throat and mate with his females. The males with the brilliant blue throats use the one and only strategy. They mate with one female and guard her 24/7.
Scientists have found that there exists indeed a hormone in a male’s brain which predisposes them to monogamy. A study in Sweden found that men with a long gene of the vasopressin receptor were twice as likely to leave bachelorhood behind and commit to one woman for life.
According to studies, confirmed bachelors… “no strings , no commitment, no marriage”… use deception as an important part of their mating strategy. Furthermore researchers found that 3 out of 4 men lie or exaggerate their wealth, status, and financial prospects to be able to engage short-term partners. These males basically date all their lives.